This is painful...

It has been a long time since October - the last month that I officially "hiked". I feel like a total failure. Caring for my elderly parents has taken a toll on my emotional, physical, and mental resolve to make my 60 hikes. I have only accomplished 31. I thought that was the tipping point and that somehow I would be motivated beyond circumstance to push through and hike every week. But here it is, January 2014 - 6 months to go before I turn 61 and I have done nothing - not one hike beyond # 31.

I really thought that if I made it past 30 hikes that the momentum would keep me going. But I was wrong. The emotional stress, weather, and general malaise I felt  for the last 3 months have kept me in a stalemate. I can't  move. I can't breathe. I can't hike and that pisses me off. I felt very hopeless until New Year's Eve.

Thank God for New Year's Eve! On New Year's Eve a veil of darkness seemed to lift. I felt more hopeful - not sure why, because the circumstances of things hadn't changed.

Perhaps it started before that, because when I received a Christmas present from my daughter and son in law  offering to take me to Ponderosa Park in McCall for a snow shoeing hike - I felt the "lifting"... an intangible signal that things would change. They pulled beside me, like a runner out of strength and needing some encouragement, to give me a Christmas present of  a hike.

When we set the date, I was committed. January 18 is the date. I am posting this for accountability. I can't back out due to weather, parental emergencies, or other things I can't control. I realized that I need to embrace the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.


Guess I am going to try and put this into practice. But I am scared... what if I fail? What if the weather prohibits us from hiking? What if one of my parents die? What if... what if? God this is so hard.